What not to say to a parent of a child with Autism .. and what might help

By On June 2, 2011 · 8 Comments

I know that people mean well … really they do. And parents of kids with Autism might seem to have patience levels that see inifinte when it comes to their children. However don’t be surprised to  you may find do not have the same tolerances when it comes to ignorant or thoughtless comments that people might say … whether innocently intended or not. I know … people mean well, they really do. And maybe parents with Autism can be over sensitive (I know I have been) but some things that might seem very innocent or just a cliche … can be hurtful.

I know there are a few posts out there on this topic but this is my take on the list of things that I wish people would NOT say or do  — as well as some kinder ideas for what to say or do instead.

  • ‘It’s so great that you do so much for him; I just couldn’t do it’
  • ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle’
  • ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’
  • ‘Don’t worry he will grow out of it ‘
  • ‘Don’t worry all kids do that ‘
  • ‘Did you know that Einstein didn’t talk to he was four?’
  • ‘Did you see the program on {insert breakfast show/talk show here}. They had this expert on saying that all you need to cure autism is {insert therapy/diet/supplement}’
  • ‘He’ll talk when he is ready’
  • ‘He doesn’t talk. I wish mine would just be quiet for a minute’
  • ‘OK he is doing {insert new milestone you have just described} but when is he going to start talking’
  • ‘He doesn’t look Autistic’
  • ‘Why haven’t YOU toilet trained him yet?”
  • ‘Why can’t you discipline him better?’ or ‘He just needs more discipline’
  • ‘Can’t you keep him quiet/seated?’ whether delivered verbally or through glares
  • ‘He is Autistic. Well what is his special talent?’
  • Any reference to Rainman
  • ‘You have really got to look after yourself’
  • Lengthy description of children {particularly of similar age} doing well at childcare/kindy/sport/music etc. {especially when it hasn’t been long since diagnosis}
  • Lengthy descriptions or Word-for-Word reciting of conversations had with children {particularly of similar age}
  • Acting as if autism is a communicable disease
  • Getting annoyed/bored when you ask me what I have been doing and all I talk about is the therapy schedule.
  • ‘You wouldn’t believe how hard it is was to get {inset typical child} organised to go to the local school’ … I am just on the beginning of looking at schools and putting his name down. I started this in 2010 and he won’t start school until 2013. And still I worry about whether their will be an an appropriate place at a school within a 40km radius.

Some suggestions on what to say or do

  • ‘What can I do to help?’
  • ‘I’m here to listen when you need it.’
  • ‘I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes but I understand it’s difficult.’
  • ‘You need a night out. Show me what to do and I’ll babysit’
  • ‘He seems to be progressing well with his therapy. You must be proud’
  • ‘I knew you would be at home with therapy so I thought I would pop by for a chat’

What do you think? Have I missed anything from either list?

Related posts:

  1. Building Foundations DVD – Autism: Your Child, Your Family
  2. Parent and Baby Care Room Awards – Australian Breast Feeding Assocition
 
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  • http://facebook,yahoo. colleen stallan

    I have just come across this topic above by bron and can relate to it all.I think its just in peoples nature to comment on a disability because they aren,t sure what else too say but it does hurt.And unless anyone is faced with it in a day to day caring role no one else can touch on the emotions and feelings that parents of a disabled or asd child has.Its always a demanding role even on the good days so hearing harsh uncaring unsupported comments only makes it harder.But in saying that i believe and say a mantra too my self each and every day i cope the best way i can and iam a great parent,spouse,friend ect and that helps me keep going.Too blazes with the negative people in the world as long as we have faith in our special children that should be all that matters in the long run:)

    • Anonymous

      Hi Colleen … Thanks for commenting. I agree 100%.

  • http://kibblesbits.wordpress.com/ Ann

    I did a video that hit on some of these points: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54lo2W2WCMQ but I wasn’t as polite, I guess…it’s very good, though!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for sharing! I think what you have done is great.

  • Carly @ My Life in Colour

    LOL AIl I really do want to just copy and paste your blog posts as mine {I wont}!  I have a list of topics/posts I want to write but can’t put it to words just now, you seem to say just what my muddled up brain can’t!  

    My pet peeves from above:‘He doesn’t talk. I wish mine would just be quiet for a minute’’Lengthy description of children doing well’

    It’s early day’s, I’m sure more doosies will come about…

    • http://www.athomemum.com Bronwyn

      Hehe … I am glad that you are enjoying some of my archive.

      I totally agree with your pet peeve. I find it amazing how some parents can transform any conversation into a bragging session about their child’s accomplishments (including where you are talking about your child’s struggles or deficits). I hope/wish that it is just excessive pride and that they don’t understand how hurtful it can be. Most of the time I am OK now when I hear about typical kids the same age as my son but somedays … It is just too hard.

      Don’t worry I am sure you will go through more on the list (unfortunately) and as our kids get older we will be adding loads more to this list. :)

  • Janelovesvinyl

    All So true Bron. I think the most upsetting thing anyone said to me about my son was in a shopping centre when they stuck their face in front of his and he freaked out. They then commented “oh he is a bad tempered little man isn’t he?’. To which I replied , “NO not at all..he is usually delightful. But he does have Autism and you just petrified him”. Pfft! Some people.

    • http://www.athomemum.com Bronwyn

      I am sorry that your Little Man had such a nasty experience. Sometimes I really do not think people in random conversations do not engage their brains before speaking … 

      I hope that with better awareness and understanding that people will be more considerate of people with Autism … but I tend to be more of a glass is half full person (well I try). I know for myself I a alot more aware now about people and how they may interpret the world based on their sensory preferences … not just those with sensory processess issues.